A cog in the machine

After some time away from the cycling world, I think what has hit me most is how irrelevant I am. Not that I felt I was hyper relevant to the masses, but that I was part of a team, therefore relevant to my team. When I was in it, I was constantly surrounded by teammates and staff who, while I was far from home, became and felt so much like family. We shared hotel rooms, we shared meals, we shared LONG pre/post race bus or car rides. We suffered together, we celebrated together, we sometimes cried together. I shared so many unforgettable moments with different people, and now I never talk to or see them.

It isn’t that the relationships you have are fake, it’s just that they are fleeting. One teammate retires, the other moves teams. You just… part ways. And that’s it.

I hadn’t really been the teammate to move away or retire until now. And I know it isn’t intentional from their side or mine… but it hurts to disappear.

I’m not even a thought in the minds of those I became so close to. Yet, I think about them all the time, wondering how things are going, missing the dinner conversations, and even the post race debriefs. Is it selfish to want them to think of me? When you’re “in it” in cycling, you’re IN IT. The blinders are on and you tend to only do what you need to do to succeed. I’m behind the blinders is all.

I find this true of “normal” friendships as well whenever life happens and you drift apart. I can always reach out to check in, but why don’t they? I can’t tell you how bright my day shines if I ever receive a message from an old friend/teammate. Even if it is just a “hello”. I know I should reach out more too. I think maybe there is a fear of being “burdensome” or annoying, there.. but that shouldn’t hold me back.

I’m grieving that relevance and throwing myself a little pity party too. But I guess this is all really to say, I miss my teammates and my life as a teammate, and I hope they know I’m thinking of them.